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Some of the transformational work of coaching involves withdrawing judgement of thoughts, feelings, or even behaviors that we’ve learned are bad or wrong or shameful. Acceptance and non-judgement are usually necessary ingredients of any process of positive change, as I wrote about recently in a previous tip, Accept what is.
I notice that complaining is one of those things we’ve been trained to dismiss as bad, and in excess, like everything else, it probably is!
But what’s a complaint, really? It’s the opposite side of a sincere desire or a good idea. It’s pointing out something that’s not ok with you, or that you know could be better in some way. When you know what you don’t want, it’s often a lot easier to identify what you do want.
Try it right now:
I really hate it when ___________
It really bugs me that ___________
Now, re-write one of your complaints into something you’d actually like to see:
Instead of ______, it would be great if _________
We think complaining is bad because we don’t know how to get to the other side. We tend to stall out in the complaint phase in a feeling of icky powerlessness. We complain when we feel that we cannot change the thing we do not like, either blaming others or shaming ourselves. It’s the perspective of the victim, and complaining a lot over time can actually create a “victim mindset” in which we feel we are completely, eternally powerless to influence our own lives.
My boss makes vague requests
I’m too lazy to work out
My sister keeps me on the phone too long
Note the absolute language of the typical complaint. It sounds absolute, like a permanent state of affairs! This language structure is a dead end. Blame and shame are a downward spiral. We need to get to the other side of the wall: self-responsibility, or agency.
Once you’ve done the “Instead of…” exercise and you know what you want, it’s time to take responsibility for getting it. Depending on your complaint, this could become anything from a one-time request to a 10-year business plan. For example, the above complaints might be transformed into the following actions:
I’ll ask my boss a clarifying question at our next 1:1
I’ll ask a friend to hold me accountable for 10 minutes of yoga on Wednesday
The next time my sister calls, I’ll tell her up front that I have exactly 20 minutes to talk, and then politely say “Gotta run!” when the time is up.
You don’t have to act on every complaint, of course, that would be exhausting! But just knowing that you could if you wanted to–that in itself often neutralizes the complaint. It’s the feeling of powerlessness that feels so sticky. Once you know you have agency, even if you choose not to use it, you’re free.
If this exercise feels daunting, I suggest you give yourself permission to complain for 5 whole minutes, in the privacy of your journal. Complain about every tiny little thing you can think of, just for fun! For those of us who have been taught to “never complain,” this activity can be surprisingly liberating, and can reveal some hidden wishes you didn’t know you had!
Remember to do the “Instead of…” exercise afterward.
Experiment with this and please share your discoveries in the comments! If you’d like to learn more about the coaching process, reach out to me for a private consultation or check out my upcoming Creative Fire group coaching course.
https://open.substack.com/pub/alchemistsclubhouse/p/creative-fire-6-week-summer-course